i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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