can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
