I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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