He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
How's work?
Spinning.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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