K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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