so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
