Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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