First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
