My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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