Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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