then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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