so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
