Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
