remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
