the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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