Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
