It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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