I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
