we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
