Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I love you. Go after that dick
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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