There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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