Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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