You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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