I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
3 2 1 whiskey
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
