I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The air taste purple.
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