I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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