I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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