I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
