Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
