she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
