my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
