Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
