I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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