My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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