you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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