Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
