I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
