you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
