saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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