There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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