You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
