I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
