Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
