I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
