so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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