is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
