She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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