Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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