There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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