i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
