I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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